more horoscopes!

I once saw the Mystic Ivan survive among a pack of hyenas for three days armed with nothing but a tattered loincloth and a sharp stick. While the staff of the Roger Williams Zoo had no appreciation for this feat, I have been in awe of the man ever since. Below, I pass his wisdom, once again, on to you.

by The Mystic Ivan – “Guaranteed accurate on Tuesday for a hamburger today.”

Ride the ups and downs of your mood like a wave. Ignore the thrashing of those who get caught in your riptide.

Remember to express outwards as much as you withdraw inwards, except when sharing political opinions online.

All the negative media coverage of current events may have you feeling sad. Now is the time to try drawing funny little mustaches on all the photos in the Sunday paper.

Someone in your life is hiding chocolate from you.

Sometimes getting some physical distance from your problems puts things in perspective. Unfortunately, you will not pass your driving exam.

Don’t let your indecisiveness get in the way of your dreams of being an air traffic controller.

Don’t try to plan any big lunches for just you and your cat; a lot of the food will go to waste.

Everyone either wants to be you or be with you. Remember that your cat would eat you if given the opportunity.

You may feel lonely in the coming months but resist the urge to construct a significant other out of a mop and office supplies.

Consider being more attentive to the problems of those around you by offering fashion advice to fellow commuters on the bus.

You work too much! Try to incorporate playfulness into your routine by shredding random papers you find lying around at work.

Your view of yourself as a natural empath will be tested when you start your retail job this week.

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