I once saw the Mystic Ivan survive among a pack of hyenas for three days armed with nothing but a tattered loincloth and a sharp stick. While the staff of the Roger Williams Zoo had no appreciation for this feat, I have been in awe of the man ever since. Below, I pass his wisdom, once again, on to you.
Horoscopes
by The Mystic Ivan – “Guaranteed accurate on Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
Aries
Ride the ups and downs of your mood like a wave. Ignore the thrashing of those who get caught in your riptide.
Taurus
Remember to express outwards as much as you withdraw inwards, except when sharing political opinions online.
Gemini
All the negative media coverage of current events may have you feeling sad. Now is the time to try drawing funny little mustaches on all the photos in the Sunday paper.
Cancer
Someone in your life is hiding chocolate from you.
Leo
Sometimes getting some physical distance from your problems puts things in perspective. Unfortunately, you will not pass your driving exam.
Virgo
Don’t let your indecisiveness get in the way of your dreams of being an air traffic controller.
Libra
Don’t try to plan any big lunches for just you and your cat; a lot of the food will go to waste.
Scorpio
Everyone either wants to be you or be with you. Remember that your cat would eat you if given the opportunity.
Sagittarius
You may feel lonely in the coming months but resist the urge to construct a significant other out of a mop and office supplies.
Capricorn
Consider being more attentive to the problems of those around you by offering fashion advice to fellow commuters on the bus.
Aquarius
You work too much! Try to incorporate playfulness into your routine by shredding random papers you find lying around at work.
Pisces
Your view of yourself as a natural empath will be tested when you start your retail job this week.
millibeep 