Horror-scopes for the spookiest month of the year!

Good news everyone! The Mystic Ivan has broken his long silence to once again grace us with his foresight. These predictions come via telegraph from the Shady Oaks retirement village in Ft. Meyers, Florida along with the following message, which Ivan insisted be included in the heading.

/millibeep

Dearest readers, before revealing this month’s horoscope, I feel I must address the elephant in the room. I’ve received several angry emails claiming that I, The Mystic Ivan, failed to predict the coronavirus pandemic. Blessed readers, I could sit here and tell you I made a mistake, that astrology is such bunk, and that I am in fact a con artist wanted for fortune-telling in the state of New York. But I am here to set the record straight. Rest easy – you do not need to rethink your entire worldview because there is a simple explanation. I am simply a Gemini and, as a result, a liar.

More confident than ever,
The Mystic Ivan

Horoscopes for October 2020

Aries
Mars is in retrograde, so you may feel a strong desire to revert to your past self. Embrace the feeling! No one likes the “new you” who’s always talking about cross-fit.

Taurus
You may find yourself fighting with your significant other more frequently during quarantine. Take care of yourself and remember that it’s okay to ask for some god damn peace and quiet from your unbelievably loud chewing, Brendon. 

Gemini
You can’t buy love, but you can buy trousers that don’t zip off into cargo shorts.

Cancer
You’re searching for answers and feeling overwhelmed. Don’t bum out the self-actualized people around you.

Leo
You will receive a phone call from a long lost relative. Overjoyed at the news you will arrange to meet only to find out it is a new and particularly insidious campaign to sell you auto insurance.

Virgo
Keep your workspace tidy and would it kill you to call your mother once in a while?

Libra
Words can impact people more than you realize. Choose your words carefully when tearing that stranger to shreds in the internet forum of your choice.

Scorpio
Amelia, it’s me, Ivan! I write for this person’s blog now!

Sagittarius
Nothing will satisfy your blood lust but good, down-home American cooking.

Capricorn
Autumn is of course a time of corn. As a Capricorn, you know this well.

Aquarius
Your stubbornness and ignorance are in a fight to determine how you’ll wear your pandemic face covering.

Pisces
You’ve long considered that you may have been a fish in a past life. Buy a goldfish and try to have a chat.

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