memoirs of The Mystic Ivan

Good news everyone! We’ve received another missive from The Mystic Ivan.



Dear readers,

With the recent popularity of the internet, I felt that this new technology could help me disseminate my life story. Many of the details are too mystically explicit for typical human eyes and much of it is written in an ancient script I can’t recall, so I’ve curated a special collection of writing detailing my monumental career.

Bearing my heart and soul,

The Mystic Ivan

Excerpt from the memoirs of The Mystic Ivan – May 1993:

She came in like a springtime breeze, legs in all the right places. I always check for that ever since that three-legged demon stole my identity to commit credit card fraud (and murder, but the fraudulent charges were harder to sort out with the bank). “Are you Mystic Ivan?” she asked, demurely.

“It’s actually The Mystic Ivan. For legal reasons I have to emphasize that.” That wasn’t entirely true. It was more like The Ohio State or The Titanic, purely for branding. “But yes, that’s me. The Mystic Ivan, expert in the paranormal and master oracle.”

“Oh. Well do you also deal with magical creatures? More specifically, how to rid them from your home?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever” I returned. I intended intelligent aloofness, but I’m afraid the implication was incompetence. It’s not that I’m a charlatan, I am in fact the world’s expert in magical creature extermination procedures. I just don’t like being asked follow up questions from people I don’t know. “How did you find my office by the way?”

“I saw your advertisement. It fell right into my lap in the park.”

I stared at her in my confusion until I recalled that after traditional outlets had failed me, I took to advertisement via writing my contact information on oak leaves, known for their mystical affinities and plenty of space to cram a phone number and address on both sides. That this woman should come into contact with my arboreal advertisement was nothing short of fate!

“I accept the job. Let’s go! No time to waste!”


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