The Mystic Ivan reviews horror movies

As I returned from my hiatus, I found the following waiting for me at the local telegraph office from our beloved field correspondent, Ivan. Just in time for Halloween!

/millibeep

Good evening readers,

I recently discovered a cache of horror movie DVDs discarded behind a Jacksonville Waffle House. I was dismayed at how many of these films make light of the occult; therefore I have provided my unfiltered reviews of these films. Much like my 2003 Pontiac Aztek, these reviews contain spoilers. Unlike with my Aztek, I was not tricked into investing my time and money due to an unfortunate semantic misunderstanding.

Clawing my eyes out,
The Mystic Ivan

1) The Omen (1976)

The Omen tells the story of Gregory Peck gaslighting his wife and attempting to murder a child. My main grievance revolves around the depiction of the Satanic Apostate, Mrs. Baylock. In the film, she is more than willing to give her life in service to the antiChrist, while in my experience, most apostates are weekend hobbyists at best. A more realistic depiction would include Mrs. Baylock defending the Angel of Darkness only after checking to see if anything good was on TV first.

11/10

1) Poltergeist (1982)

This horror classic has the most realistic depiction of purgatory slime I’ve ever seen on film. However, I just couldn’t get past the fact that the little boy sleeps with a baseball cap on. His parents even put the hat back on him when he’s in bed in one scene. Is it a sleeping hat? It’s never addressed and makes the rest of the film unwatchable.

6/10

1) The Conjuring 1, 2, & 3 (2013 – 2021)

The conjuring trilogy leads the way in cinema depicting actors who you could have sworn you’ve seen in another movie but can’t put your finger on it. While they held my attention long enough to view all three, the depiction of demonic possession is borderline offensive. Not all demons want to murder and maim. I personally know a few that just want to eat fast food, get high, and at worst run for local political office. The third one is the best because a major plot point involves a main character forgetting their blood pressure medication, which is honestly scarier than the demons.

9/10

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