guest contributions

The Mystic Ivan reviews horror movies

As I returned from my hiatus, I found the following waiting for me at the local telegraph office from our beloved field correspondent, Ivan. Just in time for Halloween! /millibeep Good evening readers, I recently discovered a cache of horror movie DVDs discarded behind a Jacksonville Waffle House. I was dismayed at how many ofContinue reading “The Mystic Ivan reviews horror movies”

The Mystic Ivan does a listicle: the 13 best gifts to buy this season

Dear readers, The festive season is upon us, Saturn is entering it’s Brazilian waxing phase, and my lawsuit to be allowed to use gold doubloon as currency at Walmart is still pending. To celebrate, I’ve put together a list of my 13 favorite gifts to give this holiday. Whether you celebrate Christmas (or like me,Continue reading “The Mystic Ivan does a listicle: the 13 best gifts to buy this season”

memoirs of The Mystic Ivan

Good news everyone! We’ve received another missive from The Mystic Ivan. /millibeep ~~~~~~~~~ Dear readers, With the recent popularity of the internet, I felt that this new technology could help me disseminate my life story. Many of the details are too mystically explicit for typical human eyes and much of it is written in anContinue reading “memoirs of The Mystic Ivan”

The Mystic Ivan face reveal!

Dear Readers, Many people have asked what I look like. I’m to understand vanity is a sin in some faiths and in truth I haven’t owned or looked into a mirror in nearly 40 years. Based solely on feel, I would say I am a classically handsome man, some 40 odd years old, with anContinue reading “The Mystic Ivan face reveal!”

Fw: Fw: FW: Fw: The Mystic Ivan Reviews Ghost Photos

Dear readers, I am now online! Although I find it inconvenient that I can’t use my phone at the same time and that I have to insert a dime every 30 minutes. Anyway, wow are there a lot of things on the internet. Immediately I can see that there is no good way to determineContinue reading “Fw: Fw: FW: Fw: The Mystic Ivan Reviews Ghost Photos”