guest post: horoscopes!

This is the first in a (hopefully long-running) series of guest posts, so everyone be on your best behavior! Today’s contribution is from The Mystic Ivan, a man from whom I once bought a map in the brumous mountains of East Anglia. I later found that the map was from a batch of rejects, having all been printed backwards and upside down. Ivan’s advice was equally prescient, so I pass it along to you, dear readers.

Horoscopes
by The Mystic Ivan – “Guaranteed accurate within a tolerance of +/- 0.75 inches.”

Aries
You already know the importance of good eye contact, but avoid overdoing it on public transportation.

Taurus
Your patience will be put to the test when your puzzle is found to be missing its final piece.

Gemini
You will be tempted to fall into an inconsistent routine. Just to be safe, start doing everything in groups of three.

Cancer
Now is the time to put your natural healing abilities to the test. Throw on a mask and join the next shift at your local surgery.

Leo
You are the lion, so act like it! Shout from the treetops, finally tell that barista you don’t actually like milk in your tea, cough up a hairball, live!

Virgo
It’s okay to brag now and then. Some people are just better than others.

Libra
It’s time to patch things up with that person you swore to hunt down in an action packed, adrenaline filled, vengeful rage.

Scorpio
You will have a breakdown when you learn from a close acquaintance that Pluto, your ruling planet, was downgraded to a dwarf planet in 2006.

Sagittarius
You will completely change your worldview when you discover that Oreo Cookies has released a Sour Patch Kids flavor.

Capricorn
You will suddenly become aware of your insignificance in the grand scheme of the world. Use this moment to reflect on your Tupperware situation.

Aquarius
Don’t let self-doubt and obvious red flags keep you from making a massive change your life.

Pisces
As a natural creative, you will soon develop a new way to repurpose all that Tupperware that your neighbor keeps throwing away for some reason.

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