Dear reader(s), we are back after a month-long hiatus that felt like it was nearly four weeks. To break our fast, the Mystic Ivan has telephoned me from the Owyhee County Jail to both ask for bail money and to relay the following for publication. (Un)fortunately, I was only able to fulfill one of his requests.
/millibeep
I was swindling a small child out of his pocket money when I realized the most basic of all fortune telling technologies hasn’t been updated in decades. Taking a fresh look at the Magic 8-Ball, I humbly submit this list of updated responses for your perusal.
| Old phrase | New phrase |
| “It is certain.” | “Would it make you happy if I said yes?” |
| “It is decidedly so”. | “I decide your fate. There is no escape.” |
| “Without a doubt.” | “Thoughtlessly, yes.” |
| “Yes – definitely.” | “Yeah. Sure. Fine.” |
| “You may rely on it.” | “You may rely on it (T&Cs apply).” |
| “As I see it, yes.” | “Based on a hasty Google search, yes.” |
| “Most likely.” | “Sure, why not?” |
| “Outlook good.” | “Outlook good; Gmail better.” |
| “Yes.” | “…yes.” |
| “Signs point to yes.” | “Signs was a terrible film.” |
| “Reply hazy, try again.” | “I’m too drunk for this right now.” |
| “Ask again later.” | “You really need to start making your own decisions.” |
| “Better not tell you now.” | “I wish you hadn’t asked me that.” |
| “Cannot predict now.” | “I’m on the toilet, shake me later.” |
| “Concentrate and ask again.” | “Shake me harder.” |
| “Don’t count on it.” | “She doesn’t like you, bro. Move on.” |
| “My reply is no.” | “Jesus Christ! Stop asking me that!” |
| “My sources say no.” | “My mom says I can’t answer right now.” |
| “Outlook not so good.” | “Outlook not so good; Gmail not without issues.” |
| “Very doubtful.” | “How do I say this… no.” |
Duplicitously yours,
The Mystic Ivan
millibeep 