The festive season is upon us, Saturn is entering it’s Brazilian waxing phase, and my lawsuit to be allowed to use gold doubloon as currency at Walmart is still pending. To celebrate, I’ve put together a list of my 13 favorite gifts to give this holiday. Whether you celebrate Christmas (or like me, celebrate a complex combination of holidays, the burden of which is mostly on my neighbors) there’s something for everyone on this list!
Choking on a candy cane whittled to my likeness,
The Mystic Ivan
1. This flaming skull
What do you get the person who has everything? The answer is this constantly on fire human skull.
2. A Dreidel that never stops spinning until you go insane
This is not a photo of the actual dreidel for obvious reasons, not the least of which is I don’t believe in cameras.
3. Monkey’s Paw where all the unexpected downsides are Christmas themed
Go the extra mile this year and get your ennui-ridden nephew a Christmas-themed Monkey’s Paw. I used it, and now I’m a millionaire (but the twist is all my money is tied up in Christmas toys I can’t sell because they’re imported illegally by a man with a white beard).
4. A candy cane where the red stripes represents the blood of Jesus Christ
Okay, even I can admit this one’s a little strange.
5. A single red balloon that lures children to drown
Batteries not included.
6. A snow globe
I just think they’re neat!
7. Skiing lessons with the ghost of Ingrid Bergman
This one-time deal can be found on Groupon.com.
8. A crystal ball
See how everyone will fail their New Year’s resolutions and call bullshit on your Aunt’s annual holiday letter. I know Thomas didn’t get straight-As, Aunt Kim.
9. A PlayStation 5
Take the hint.
10. A pardon from your state’s governor
11. Wooden clogs
If my memory serves me right, children love a classic wooden clog.
12. A Ped Egg
These things are great and they work on ferrets too. It’s also a good gift to pair with the clogs.
No gift says more than no gift at all. Please be sure to put away nothing when you’re done using it or reality gets very weird.
Images (in order of appearance):
“fire skull app” by blackpawn is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0
“IMG_18032012-12-10 The Dreidel Game – bad spin” by niiicedave is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0
“Monkey Paw” by nattywoohoo is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
“Candy Canes” by WELS.net is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0
“A floating red balloon” by jcarlosn is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0
“robin snow globe” by MattX27 is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0
“Skiing” by Pauljh is licensed under CC BY 2.0
“cat & crystal ball” by Judy ** is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
“Close-Up of Sony DualSense Wireless Controller in front of a laying Sony PlayStation 5 Digital Edition on White Background” by verchmarco is licensed under CC BY 2.0
“Mississippi governor’s mansion” by lordsutch is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0
“File:Carvers of wooden clogs, Holland.jpg” by Albarubescens is licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0
“IMG_4205” by ScottHernandez is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
“Blue sky” by kwc909 is licensed under CC BY 2.0